i look back to what i wrote a while ago bout disabled children. the date states june 26, 2003 on that entry below, but it was written longer ago then that... i have still been thinking bout that, and lots of other stuff too... one of the things going on thru my mind was how brave and courageous the parents of these children are. they are so wonderful, so great.

i often dreamt of how i wanted my children to be. i want them to be great ppl. i want them to be smart. i want them to be tall. i even want them to be good-looking, haha. i dunno why i'm going here, since i'm not even close to having children, but, anyways... now i see how greedy i was. since then, i wondered, how would i be if i gave birth to a child who was disabled from birth. i'm sure i'd be devastated. i would not understand why god chose to do this. but, i'm also certain i would love my child w/ all my heart, and realize that everything god has given me is a blessing. and i then think if i could coop w/ it, and how i'd coop w/ it. i read something which really inspired me, and so, i think it'll be like this:

after months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. hours later, the plane lands. the flight attendant comes in and says, "welcome to holland."

"holland?!?", u say." what do you mean, holland? I'm supposed to be in greece. all my life i've dreamed of gonna greece!!!"

but there's been a change in the flight plan. u landed in holland and there, u must stay. so u need to get new guidebooks.. and u must learn a whole new language... u may be lost, angry, confused..

but, later on, u see that holland is just a different place. it's slower-paced than greece, less flashy than greece. and after u've been there for awhile and u catch your breath, u look around, and you begin to notice that u have met a whole new group of ppl u would have never met.... then, u see that holland has windmills, holland has tulips, holland has the rembrandts...

yet, at the same time, everyone u know is busy coming and going from greece, and they all tell u bout how wonderful greece is. and for the rest of your life, you will say, 'yes, that's where I was supposed to go - that's what i had planned....'

and the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

but if u spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to go to greece, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things of holland. holland is beautiful, holland is unique, and no one, nothing, can ever take that away.

i have been watching a series of videos in my special needs class for teachers college in buffalo. there are children who are abused, are born with autism, some who are mentally retarded from birth, some who suffer from traumic brain injuries b/c of accidents and can no longer function at a normal level, no longer walk, eat, even use teh bathroom, etc. each time i watch one, it breaks my heart. during the videos, i choke back tears. once, i cried. each time, when the lights come back on at teh end of the videos, i compose myself and return to my supposed logical and rational self, and discuss the videos in a matter-of-factly and anaylitical way from an educational perspective along with the rest of the class. it seems like no one else in class is hurt or sadden by it as much as i am - but i'm not one to judge, and i don't know how they truly feel, because like myself, they could be hiding it. i go home, and for weeks, i just cna't stop thinkign bout them. i cannot even begin to comprehend how the families of these children must feel...

there are so many things that are racing thru my mind. my mind works randomly, sporatically. my thoughts are often very unorganized, and it reflects in my writing, which is flawed with grammer and spelling mistakes. whatever i think at teh moment, i write down, adn i dont' edit what i write, ever. but, this time, too many issues are going thru my mind. too many questions to do w/ religion/god, society, etc, and i could never really get everything down in this blog that i wanted to, nor, do i believe i can fully express myself. perhaps, another day.

i just got off icq w/ my friend (hi, rightcheek).. during the convo, i very briefly talked bout this topic, b4 we changed subjects (ahaha.. i wonder if we'll ever carry thru w/ what we were talking bout...) yet, it was discussed thru icq - a place where emotions can be misinterpreted, misread, misjudged, or, even completely lacking. during this time on icq, i was choked back tears. obviously, he didnt' know. at one point, i did cry.

so many things bugged me, sadden me. not just these children and their families, but the ppl of this world. what i wondered, was that both during and after this convo, did my friend think about these things? did he truly feel with his heart? or, was it only for that brief amount of time, when we talk bout the subject, does he 'feel' for these ppl, and then, he simply goes off to bed, adn think of other things? and then, does he then wake up, and remember this conversation simply b/c it is stored in his memory, but no longer remembers those feelings he possibly had of feeling sad during those few minutes of icq time... i dunno, i really dunno. yet, i know that this is a really good and religious individual. but, does it also mean he and others on this world truly, genuinely, feel and care for others in this world? and i mean that not only at night when ppl pray, when ppl are at church - not only when ppl see starving children on tv, or hear of tragedies on the news, but when were are living in our busy, materialistic world....

i believe the majority of the ppl don't. i think we're so selfish, so sinful. and that includes myself... i duno where this blog entry is going, and again, i'm rabbling - look how long this entry is.. but, like i said, i jsut write down exactly what's going thru my mind, which is currently whirling with thoughts.... dunno how to end this off, so, may as well end it here...